A Message About Fathers

Knowing that my Dad and step father have known so much pain and struggle makes their love for me all the more remarkable. It makes their sacrifices they’ve made richer and their pride in me even more wonderful because it’s layered with human frailty and vulnerability.

Reaching the age I am now gives me an odd perspective because my Dad was around my age when some of my most significant events of my life took place. He was there in my hospital room when I was trying to remember how to read and speak. He was there to push my wheelchair faster before I learned to walk again. And though I've thankfully been on my own two feet since then, it's a huge comfort to me to know he's still in my corner, still cheering me on, and still willing to give me a push when I need one.

I think it’s inevitable that we can’t fully weigh the importance of relationships because they’re built out of some many tiny but significant experiences. Conversations that end up being more important than we realized at the time. The road trip where I made a big decision. That hike where I saw a moose and where I got a new perspective on aging and growth that ended up helping me enjoy the current moment just a bit more.

I’ve had countless moments like these with my Dad and step father that add up to being two of the most important relationships in my life. And another thing that being a bit older has made clear to me is that both my Dad and step father could have made other choices that would have probably been easier on them. There’s nothing easy in packing four siblings into a single sedan for a road trip. There is nothing easy about navigating the strange and nuanced world of being a step father or blending families together in any kind of cohesive way. There is nothing easy about caring so much for kids that it makes you ache to see them hurting or making poor choices or seeing their kids hearts break or be bruised by disappointment.

But yet my Dad and step father stuck it out through all of this in profound but quiet ways. There’s kind of an expected narrative we play out when we attempt to express our gratitude for our Dads. I’ve noticed that often people preface their explanation of the unique positive attributes they are grateful for in their Dads by saying things like “He might not be a saint exactly but . . .” or “He’s not perfect by any means, but he does his best to . . .” Almost as if we’re afraid that if we glorify our Dad's too much, the praises will be less credible. But in my way of thinking, Dads are most helpful and most precious for the very reason that they are human. They struggle. They face disappointment and regret like all of us do. But in my fortunate case, knowing that my Dad and step father have known so much pain and struggle makes their love for me all the more remarkable. It makes their sacrifices they’ve made richer and their pride in me even more wonderful because it’s layered with human frailty and vulnerability.

Don’t get me wrong, I would never turn down some angel intervention either. But it’s honestly my Dad and step-father’s humanity that has appealed to me most now that I’m an adult because I can recognize the same desires and hopes and clinging to aspirations in myself that I can recognize in my father figures’ lives too. And to be able to have seen how they have pushed through the hardships of life experience and yet keep their hearts soft enough and responsive enough to share loving relationships with me. Those are the kind of helpers I think I most need these days. Wonderful mentors who have walked the path before me and can help me navigate just a bit more confidently and wisely. What grand gifts are are our fathers.